Why can't I look at this picture? Maybe it because it brings sadness about what I missed out on? Or maybe its because I suffered with postpartum depression. I remember sitting in the hospital the day after the birth of my baby holding him and just loving him, but had this feeling that something was just not right but never said anything. When the Dr. came in to see how I was doing all I wanted to do was cry but I held it in. Holding it in hurt, my insides burned. It was a feeling I never had before and never wanted to feel it again, I wanted the feeling to go away. That evening when I got home I was in the bathroom and my husband comes in and I start crying. Crying like I had never cried before (at least remember). It felt good to cry but at the same time it hurt. Was I a bad mother, was something wrong with?
This feeling seem to let up a little bit over the next few weeks but when you are home by yourself with a newborn and no company a new mom could really lose her mind. When my son was 6 weeks old I went back to work. It was a relief to be back to work but at the same time I missed my baby. I remember crying a good portion of the day. By the second day back I was a complete mess. One of my co-workers had seen what I was going through and told me it was normal to feel this way but it be better if I got help. There is no shame in asking for help if you need it. So I called my doctor and told him that I think I may have post partum depression. I was able to get in right away and we sat and talked for away and he diagnosed me with PPD and gave me some Zoloft. I felt so much better after that day. I still had days when tiredness and being a new mom would sneak up on me but I never felt like that again. That was one reason my husband and I waited so long to have another baby.
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As my son gets ready to turn 9 he is learning so much everyday. I love watching him grow. I remember when he was about 3 or 4 just sitting in amazement of him talking. It was fun to hear words of expression, fun and life out of a little boy. Now all I hear about is how he wants to try dangerous tricks on skateboards and bikes. He still loves his mommy and wants to cuddle up next to me on the couch, how can a mom say no to that. I am not sure if I like him growing up but I know i love watching him grow into his own. I know that he will make mistakes in his life but I want him to know that I will always love him NO MATTER WHAT.
